Decisions

Well, the wheel is in motion... I bought a new car. I didn't think I was in a place financially where I could make such a purchase, but it's happened. I just bought a 2008 Hyundai Accent and it's all mine. No one is going to tell me when I can use it, or how to use it, or how to maintain it or clean it. I decide. I have control.
This was important to me, to get a car. I needed some peace of mind, that if and when I needed to leave this house I would be 'able' to do it. Now I am 'able'.
Things got pretty loud when I returned home with my purchase. He got all worked up, hiding behind the fact that he wanted to be there when I bought it, he wanted to help me. Well, too bad. I wasn't waiting on anyone, especially not him. I was scared as it was to just bring it home because of how he reacted when I said I wanted to buy my own car... so why, oh why, would I consult him on the purchase? Anyways, it's done now.

I wish I could put together the pieces of the puzzle that I call my life. I must be sick, to stick around with a man that is so emotionally un-available to me. He doesn't give a shit about anything but himself... but don't tell him that. God NO! This morning when I crawled into bed, after working the night shift, he said "When you get up this afternoon, I'll take you driving in your new car so you can learn." I said, "Ya, that sounds good." So, this afternoon, I get out of bed and He's not home. I notice his work car is in the driveway, so I know he's not working... and I call his work phone. "I'm at my parents house with your sister. I'll be home soon."
Ok, so I wait for him, for ever an hour and decide, "Screw this, I'm going over there." So, I get in my car and drive over there, and there they are, having some fun in the sun, socialling with his parents, drinking beer. Sounds great eh? Ya, for them.
ONCE AGAIN, Tracy gets put on the back burner for my sister. So much for going driving, and so much for putting me first. That will never happen. I was pissed. And what could I do? Nothing. I can't even tell him why I'm cranky, because that conversation will quickly turn into a shouting match and he will blame me for what he's done, as per usually. Shouldn't he ALREADY know??? I'm angry at both of them really. I can't talk to her any more than I can talk to him. They both shut me out. Well, they can have each other because I'm done with this shit.
I'm here at work, with a heavy heart, and for what? For a man that treats me like the dirt under his shoe?? Aren't I WORTH more than this??
It isn't fair that I should feel jeolous of my sister. She's suppose to be my best friend, but I guess since they're best friends, I get the back door. I can't talk to her like I used to, she just doesn't acknowledge me anymore. She tells me it's because she's friends with him. Well, I always thought family come first. When I look at this situation, I should be first before him in her eyes and I should be first before her in his eyes. But that isn't the situation at all. They come first to each other before me. That's mixed up shit if you ask me. If I let myself go there, I wonder what is really going on between them. Something is F'in up.

It's time to move on. I can't handle this heavy heart. I can't handle this life. I need to be with someone who ACTUALLY cares about ME and my SON. Is that too much to ask??? I'm not asking for perfection... I just want a healthy relationship, someone who shares my VALUES. I'm so angry and sad and frustrated.... I can't even think straight. Nothing makes sense anymore. I just need out of this. I need to get away from him because this life is killing me!!
As for my sister, I haven't decided if I even want to be friends with her when this is all said and done. If she has to make a choice between him or me, I'm certain she will choose him. She can have him... Obviously they have already established their priorities, and I'm not one of them.