Wanting What I Can Not Have

A look that means a whole lot more
One glance that tells a story
A touch, a smile, a charming word
One hug that holds me warmly
On my mind and in my head
you're in my thoughts daily
My feelings hidden deep inside
In love with you its crazy
Wanting what I cannot have
Wanting you to be mine
Thinking I'll make you happy
where everything could be fine
Nobody else to think of
No obligations made
Where feelings for the other one
having quickly turned to fade.

By Jennangel

Decisions

Well, the wheel is in motion... I bought a new car. I didn't think I was in a place financially where I could make such a purchase, but it's happened. I just bought a 2008 Hyundai Accent and it's all mine. No one is going to tell me when I can use it, or how to use it, or how to maintain it or clean it. I decide. I have control.
This was important to me, to get a car. I needed some peace of mind, that if and when I needed to leave this house I would be 'able' to do it. Now I am 'able'.
Things got pretty loud when I returned home with my purchase. He got all worked up, hiding behind the fact that he wanted to be there when I bought it, he wanted to help me. Well, too bad. I wasn't waiting on anyone, especially not him. I was scared as it was to just bring it home because of how he reacted when I said I wanted to buy my own car... so why, oh why, would I consult him on the purchase? Anyways, it's done now.

I wish I could put together the pieces of the puzzle that I call my life. I must be sick, to stick around with a man that is so emotionally un-available to me. He doesn't give a shit about anything but himself... but don't tell him that. God NO! This morning when I crawled into bed, after working the night shift, he said "When you get up this afternoon, I'll take you driving in your new car so you can learn." I said, "Ya, that sounds good." So, this afternoon, I get out of bed and He's not home. I notice his work car is in the driveway, so I know he's not working... and I call his work phone. "I'm at my parents house with your sister. I'll be home soon."
Ok, so I wait for him, for ever an hour and decide, "Screw this, I'm going over there." So, I get in my car and drive over there, and there they are, having some fun in the sun, socialling with his parents, drinking beer. Sounds great eh? Ya, for them.
ONCE AGAIN, Tracy gets put on the back burner for my sister. So much for going driving, and so much for putting me first. That will never happen. I was pissed. And what could I do? Nothing. I can't even tell him why I'm cranky, because that conversation will quickly turn into a shouting match and he will blame me for what he's done, as per usually. Shouldn't he ALREADY know??? I'm angry at both of them really. I can't talk to her any more than I can talk to him. They both shut me out. Well, they can have each other because I'm done with this shit.
I'm here at work, with a heavy heart, and for what? For a man that treats me like the dirt under his shoe?? Aren't I WORTH more than this??
It isn't fair that I should feel jeolous of my sister. She's suppose to be my best friend, but I guess since they're best friends, I get the back door. I can't talk to her like I used to, she just doesn't acknowledge me anymore. She tells me it's because she's friends with him. Well, I always thought family come first. When I look at this situation, I should be first before him in her eyes and I should be first before her in his eyes. But that isn't the situation at all. They come first to each other before me. That's mixed up shit if you ask me. If I let myself go there, I wonder what is really going on between them. Something is F'in up.

It's time to move on. I can't handle this heavy heart. I can't handle this life. I need to be with someone who ACTUALLY cares about ME and my SON. Is that too much to ask??? I'm not asking for perfection... I just want a healthy relationship, someone who shares my VALUES. I'm so angry and sad and frustrated.... I can't even think straight. Nothing makes sense anymore. I just need out of this. I need to get away from him because this life is killing me!!
As for my sister, I haven't decided if I even want to be friends with her when this is all said and done. If she has to make a choice between him or me, I'm certain she will choose him. She can have him... Obviously they have already established their priorities, and I'm not one of them.

Frustration after Frustration

It's an odd feeling... being so aware. When I look at him now, he doesn't look exactly the same. and I don't feel exactly the same. Every time I get frustrated, I see my part in all of this. Me trying to control him because I don't like what he had to say, or how he said it, or what he's thinking because it doesn't make any sense!!!
But the friend in me just wants to talk to him about my new revelation... I want to tell him about this and what we could BOTH learn from it. I want to share my new found wealth, because it's exciting for me to learn and I WANT TO SHARE with him!!!

Women Who Love Too Much???

The idea that anyone could love another too much simply blows my mind, but after reading 'Women Who Love too Much' by Robin Norwood I'm convinced... and angry. How could I be so stupid!? Here is a list of characteristics of women who love too much:

Characteristics of Women: Who Love Too Much

- Typically, you come from a dysfunctional home in which your emotional needs were not met.

- Having little real nurturing yourself, you try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a caregiver, especially to men who appear, in some way, needy.

- Because you were never able to change your parent(s) into the warm, loving caretaker(s) you longed for, you respond deeply to familiar type of emotionally unavailable men whom you can again try to change through your love.

- Terrified of abandonment, you will do anything to keep a relationship from dissolving.

- Almost nothing is too much, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will 'help' the man you are involved with.

- Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, you are willing to wait, hope, and try harder to please.

- You are willing to take far more than 50 percent of the responsibility, guilt and blame in any relationship.

- Your self-esteem is critically low and deep inside you do not believe you deserve to be happy. Rather, you believe you must earn the right to enjoy life.

- You have a desperate need to control your men and your relationships having experienced little security in childhood. You mask your efforts to control people and situations as 'being
helpful'.

- In a relationship, you are much more in touch with your dream of how it could be than with the reality of your situation.

- You are addicted to men and to emotional pain.

- You may be predisposed emotionally and ofter biochemically to becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol, and/or certain foods (particularly sugary ones).

-By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain, and emotionally painful, you avoid focusing on your responsibility to yourself.

- You may have a tendency toward episodes of depression, which try to forestall through the excitement provided by and unstable relationship.

- You are not attracted to men who are kind, stable, reliable and interested in you. You find such 'nice' men boring.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, and the start of another bout of pain and suffering that seems to chase me through this train wreck of a life.

It's The Hard Knock Life

It’s the hard knock life
(Hard-knock life, a hard knock life)
(Hard knock life, a hard knock life)
It's the hard knock life
(Hard knock life, a hard knock life)
(Hard knock life, a hard knock life)

It's the hard knock life for us
It's the hard knock life for us
Instead of treated, we get tricked
Instead of kisses, we get kicked
It's the hard knock life
(Hard knock life, a hard knock life)

Got no folks to speak of, so
It's the hard knock row we how
Cotton blankets, instead of wool
Empty Bellies, instead of full
It's the hard knock life
(Hard knock life, a hard knock life)

Don't if feel like the wind is always howling?
Don't it seem like there's never any light!
Once a day, don't you wanna throw the towel in?
It's easier than putting up a fight.
No one's there when your dreams
at night get creepy!
No one cares if you grow or if you shrink!
No one dries when your eyes get wet an' weepy!
From all the crying you would
think this place's a sink!
Ohhh, no!

Empty belly life (Empty belly life)
Rotten smelly life (No, no, no, no)
Full of sorrow life (Full of sorrow life)
No tomorrow life

Santa Claus we never see
Santa Claus, what's that, who's he

No one cares for you, a smidge
When you're in an orphanage
It's the hard knock life

It's the hard knock life for us
It’ the hard knock life for us
Instead of treated, we get tricked (Oh we get tricked)
Instead of kisses, we get kicked (We get kicked)
It's the hard knock life
(Hard knock life, a hard knock life)

Don't if feel like the wind is
always howling (Howling)
Don't it seem like there's never
any light (Any light)
Once a day, don't you wanna throw the towel in
It's easier than putting up a fight (A fight)
No one's there when your dreams at night get creepy
No one cares if you grow or if you
shrink (If you shrink)
No one dries when your eyes get
wet and weepy (Ohhh)
From all the crying you would
think this place's a sink
Ohhh, no (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

Hard knock life
A hard knock life
Hard knock life
No one cares for you, a smidge
When you're in an orphanage (Orphanage)

It's a hard knock life for us
It's a hard knock life for us
Instead of treated, we get tricked
Instead of kisses, we get kicked (Oh we get kicked)

Got no folks to speak of, so
It's a hard knock row we how
Cotton blankets, instead of wool
Empty Bellies, instead of full
It's a hard knock life
(Hard knock life, a hard knock life)
It's a hard knock life
(Hard knock life, a hard knock life)
It's a hard knock life
(Hard knock life, a hard knock life)
It's a hard knock life